Through the sadness, I find gratitude.

Hi. I'm back at it. I'm thankful that things are starting to slow down around our house.. I don't handle chaos very well (I tend to get caught up in it and before I know it I've gone mad). I have a couple more weeks of break and then it's back to school I go! I have been thoroughly enjoying my time off. It feels so good to relax and enjoy doing absolutely nothing AND not even feeling the least but guilty. I have a nice stack of books that I can't wait to dive into. It's been way too long since I've sat down and read just for the pleasure of it.

I've been looking back at the last couple months of my life. Reflecting at all the emotional roller coaster rides and uncertainty; I'm really grateful to be where I am today. Happy, healthy, and living life on life's terms. Because, really, that's all we can do. There is no forcing life to be a certain way. The more I fight and try to control my life, the more miserable I become. I've gained quite a bit of weight since last winter-most of it was much needed. It's been hard to adjust to this new body shape. No longer do I have a young ladies body. I have a full grown woman size body shape, curves and all. Part of me is still grieving that part of myself I have given up. But most of me is relieved, and happy to be able to eat whatever I want want and feel no guilt about it! Having kids and being a full time mom is way more important to me than striving for a skeletal body. Sure, I still have down days. There are days where I contemplate letting my eating disorder back in. But something always brings me back to reality and I realize what a waste that would be. I am no longer responsible for just myself. I have others to think about, too. And that is what I am most grateful for. The most beautiful thing in life is being able to love some one else fully, without holding anything back. Letting my ED in would take that all away from me.I am by no means perfect. I still fall back into old behaviors every now and then. But I am so grateful for all the progress I have made. It really is about living life one day at a time for me. Any more, and I start sliding into madness.

My gratitude comes partly from learning about the condition a friend of mine is in. This women has been there for me, pretty much since I first really got sober. During my pregnancy she was like a second mom to me. She always knew just what I needed to hear and always knew the answers to all my questions. Her and her husband were so good to Chase and I at a time when we didn't have much family close by. Words cannot express how grateful I am to her and all the kindness she has shown me. This friend of mine isn't doing well. She has been diagnosed with medical conditions that there is no cure for. Things are progressing way too fast, and not in a good way. Through all of this, she tries so hard to stay positive, which is hard, given all the bad news she continually gets from the doctors. She doesn't always see it, but I can see how strong she is. We don't know why life goes the way it goes. She doesn't deserve the pain she is in. And yet, she fights on. Seeing what my friend and her family have gone through the last couple of years has made me so grateful for all that I have. Yes, I have struggles too, but at least I can recover from mine. I wish I could fix her. I wish I could take all the pain away. Most of  all, I wish I could be there for her. We live pretty far away, and that kills me. Today, even though I am so grateful for all that I have, I am really sad too. Some of her struggles I can relate to, and others  I cannot. I wish I could wave a magic wand and cure her. But unfortunately, I hear that's not how life works. I guess I will have to settle for sending her lots of love and warm energy.
So, friend of mine, (you know who you are), when you read this I want you to close your eyes. Imagine yourself on the beach, soaking up the sun with the ocean waves gently crashing in the background. Imagine me sitting next to you.. our little rug rats are running around laughing and playing. Here there is no pain. Only joy and love and lots of laughing. This is our special place to go to when things get too rough. On days when everything seems dark and my ED is knocking at the door, I will close my eyes and come to this place. And when the doctors are giving you bad news, or you are sitting through hours of IV's and transfusions, close your eyes and come here. I will be waiting. I love you.  

[Insert witty title here]

Ah, winter. I always know when you're about to arrive. (Or are here to stay). My mood plummets like a flip of a switch. I did everything I could to prepare this year, from vitamins to meds. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough. When things went from bad to oh-my-god-I-want-curl-up-in-a-cave-forever, shit hit the fan. But like I always some how manage to do, I picked up the pieces and trudged forward. It's never easy. I am still on the mend. Normal people might look at me with befuddlement, wondering why I can't just get my shit together. To them I say, It's ok. You don't have to understand me. You can even judge me if you want. But all this crud that I am mucking through, it will eventually settle down. And I will come out on the other side with more experience to help me (and perhaps others) in the future. This pep talk isn't for you, dear reader. Although I hope it lets you all know you're not all alone trudging through the mucky parts of life. It's mostly for me. I needed this. I've been struggling with who I am. Not just what I DO, but me, all by myself. Not as a mother, wife, student, friend, daughter, or sister. I know I'm young. I know I have many years of life. (Hopefully). But I feel so boring sometimes. Is this really what adulthood is like? If that's the case, send me back to childhood!

I wrote this instead of doing homework. You're welcome.

Wow. I haven't posted anything for two whole months... But I've thought about it-that counts, right? I have been struggling with what to write about. Not for the lack of events going on in my life, there has been plenty of that! I guess sometimes I don't know how to word things, and then once that vicious cycle has started, it's mighty hard to turn back.
I have been working on holding myself accountable for my actions (and words). Like little white lies (that sometimes aren't so little). I think all humans have a tendency to do this from time to time. Sometimes, even when I mean to tell the truth, a completely different thing than I meant to say just jumps out of my mouth. For no apparent reason. You know, that time when someone asks you some mundane question (like what did you do today?) and you blurt out a complete lie (like, did homework, when really you took a nap for 3 hours)? Then you think back about it and ask, WTF, self? What was that about? So, I do this. But then, sometimes (mostly out of fear), I bend the truth about not so little things. It's an old habit of mine. Mostly one I perfected when in active addiction (both ED and alcohol). I mean, when your life is shit and you're not willing to change it, who doesn't lie to themselves that everything is just dandy? I sure did. It's not always easy to catch myself BEFORE I do it. And it definitely is uncomfortable having to fess up AFTER I do it. But in the end, it's been a learning process. Both about me and how others react to me either lying and/or fessing up. You know I saw this meme on Facebook. It pretty much summed up where I'm at in my head. "The older you get, the more you realize that no one has a clue what they're doing. Everyone's just winging it".

These boots (well, more like super cute flats) are made for walkin'...

When I look back on my past, I am so grateful that today I can live a life joyous and free. No longer do my addictions dominate my every waking thought. No longer do I hate my life, myself, and the whole darn world. One of the greatest joys for me now is the ability to give back to those who still struggle with addiction, self-harm, and low self esteem. Because, I get it. I recall nights spent in front of the mirror, hating the person that stared back at me. The all encompassing rage towards myself no longer looms over me, threatening to consume me whole.

The journey hasn't been easy. In fact, a lot of the time I have felt confused and uncomfortable. Until now I have never learned what it meant to be healthy both towards myself and others. My relationships were constant chaos and intense emotional outbursts. For a long time, my eating disorder stole my ability to feel emotions. I still am learning how to feel in a healthy way. Life has given me many opportunities to practice. And for me, that is the only way I have been able to learn what works for me and what doesn't.

Life has taken on a whole new meaning. First, I had to learn to stop taking everything so damn seriously. When I finally cleaned the fog off my lenses, I could see that life can be pretty comical. (Especially with kids involved). It's kind of embarrassing to admit this, but there was a time when I really thought horrible things would happen if I didn't vacuum the carpet everyday. I've realized on a deeper level what the saying "living life on life's terms" means to me. My journey isn't perfect, nor will it ever be. But it's all good opportunities for me to practice growing up and growing inwards.

Whew. Now that THAT'S all over..

I'm baaaaack! Thanks for waiting patiently for me. (If you were anxiously awaiting a new post, my sincere apologies). As you may or may not know, I officially tied the knot! Many people have asked ,"how does it feel?" I guess it doesn't feel any different.. the love we share is still there and burning brightly, if that's what they mean. The wedding was perfect. Not that it didn't have small glitches along the way, but overall it was just the way I had imagined. The sun shone, the music was beautiful, and best of all, I got to marry my best friend.

As I settle back down after all the excitement, I've been turning to meditation to center myself. I have never been able to really get into it in the past. But I had an amazing experience the other day. As I was laying down (for some reason I lay down to meditate) and focusing on my breath, I had this odd feeling. It was like I was sleeping, yet I could still hear the noise of the present world in the background.  I ceased to feel the the separateness of my body and the ground beneath me. It was as if I melted into everything. It was a beautiful feeling. I felt connected. That particular time was the longest I ever have been able to ignore my thoughts and outside stimuli. Since that experience, I have only been able to get glimpses of that bliss. For that's how it felt. There was no judgement, good or bad, only pure love.

Afterwards, I felt a deep calm wash over me, down to the tips of my toes. I'm guessing that my inner being is telling me mediation is probably something I should continue to practice. And, well, I guess it can't hurt. So I invite you to join me on a journey of practicing meditation. I'd love to hear your experiences. Successes and failures, share it all!

It's a baggy sweats, pail of sherbert, and "orange is the new black" tv series kind of day.

Why, you may be wondering. Well , let me dump my crap on you, so I feel better, and you can feel worse. It's the only way, dear reader. At least then I know that I'm feeling a little better and I'm not alone in feeling crappy.
This past week i have been really struggling (and I don't use the word struggling lightly) with eating disorder thoughts. I have managed not to act on those thoughts, but it has been hard. My body is in recovery mode. And as I gain weight, the thoughts get worse and the battle gets bloodier. I know logically that this is normal. But it doesn't make it any easier. So, we have a bloody battle. On top of that, I started seeing a new therapist, got put a a new medication and taken off the old one. So, we have bloody battle plus raging emotions (which makes me exhausted).
And then yesterday, my grandpa passed away. The past few years I haven't seen my grandpa as much as I would have liked, but lately I have been thinking about him and all he has been through. I am so sad that he won't get to be at my wedding, and to see my kids grow up, not even a little bit. I am grateful, however, that he at least got to meet Fiona. I am grateful that he no longer is in pain and is in a better place. But death is such a bittersweet thing, no matter what stage of life the person was at. So, bloody battle plus already raging emotions plus family death, equals one broken down, curled up on the couch and tired to the bone, gal.
That is all, dearest reader. I have no witty insight, no humor left in me at the moment. Life goes on... at least the couch is here and I have sherbet.

Shine on and ignore normal.

I've been wondering what it means to be considered "normal". Do any of you dear readers know? I don't. I don't believe in normal. I think it's a myth that everyone tries so hard to obtain, but it always seems juuuust out of reach. In high school I really wanted to fit in and be considered "normal". It took a lot of mistakes made and an emotional roller coaster (plus time) for me to start to realize that there is no such thing as normal. There are millions of people walking around this earth, each individually experiencing life differently as it flows by. It's like taking one piece of a puzzle and expecting the rest of the pieces to fit in that one piece. It's freeing, no longer worrying about doing only whats normal. 
The strive for normalcy is an easy trap to fall into, though. It's easier to do what everyone else is doing rather than stopping for a minute and taking a truly unbiased look around. It's hard because it means being vulnerable to ourselves and others.(Y'all know how i feel being vulnerable, right? Gah). Now, I want to clarify. Don't buck the system just to buck the system. I'm referring to not being afraid to let the inner self shine through, dazzling the world with your rays of joy and abundance. To do what ever it is you truly enjoy doing; that thing that gets you up in the morning and puts an ear-to-ear grin on your face when you think about it. I don't need to apologize for the fact that I'm pretty not-normal. My experiences have taught me that something I thought very important today, I'll have forgotten about tomorrow.So, forget the piddly stuff. (Nay-sayers qualify as piddly stuff). Wanna be a farmer? Awesome. Embrace the earth we depend on. Wanna be a painter? Grab a canvas and tell me your life story. Wanna be a stay at home mom/writer/yoga enthusiast? Hey, me too! What ever is your passion, embrace it. Big or small, they are equally important. Don't let a case of the normies get ya down!

Warning: This post contains no earth-shattering epiphanies. Only garden shenanigans.

So, it's happened. Again. I have struggled to post a blog this because in my mind, nothing of importance happened this week. Nor did I have any mind blowing epiphanies to share. So, unfortunately dear reader, this blog will not contain any of the above.

I struggle with the up keep of things in the realm of blogging. If I dig deeper, I've discovered that in reality, I am afraid to share my vulnerabilities with others. So, I'm pulling on my big girl panties and sharing.

I was recently put on a new medication for my depression. (Another thing to add to my daily pill regimen). I'm not sure if I like it. And I know it's most likely to soon to tell whether it will work or not, but it puts me on edge. The last couple days have been better, but before that my mind was rather racy (and not in the way you're thinking, get your out of the gutter!). I literally got a headache from the racetrack going on up there. On the bright side, I made it through it and now it's just more of a normal, mom rushing around to get the zillion house chores done sort of speed. Another plus is I started a garden. (Some of your eyes might be glazing over at the sight of boring garden talk, but hang on, I'll explain). For so many years I too, rolled my eyes at the sound of other adults yakking about garden shenanigans. Now, after the years of chaos and destruction that I've lived, a garden sounds nice. It's tangible. When I'm angry, anxious, scared, I can always go picks weeds. And I get rewarded! It's a win-win for all. I'm being productive. It's a nice replacement from the drinking, drugs, and starving myself. So, yes, it's just a garden. But for me, HOORAY, I'm planting a GARDEN! Because all the things normal, responsible adults do seem foreign to me. I have to walk myself through the steps it takes to just being an adult in my head every day. Because, it was second nature for me to say screw it to life and go numb out. So I will tend to my garden. And breathe in that deep earthy smell that radiates from the dirt. And smile. Because I have a garden.

Wait, so am I like, famous?

So, I am a little OCD about my writing. It makes me feel vulnerable. I don't like vulnerable. It's scary. Heaven forbid some one actually know what I'm thinking! And now that I have a blog, it makes my thoughts seem more real, more concrete. Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, my mind was going crazy. Like, what if people don't like what I have to say? What if my life is really too boring for any one to care what I have to say? When will I be famous? Does starting a blog mean I'm there already?

I know, I know, that last thought seems a little out there. Most of you are probably thinking, "calm down, it's JUST  a blog". But my mind is like, "OMG, you just started a BLOG"! See, I am a very all or nothing type a gal. If I put effort into something, then I want it all. F baby steps. I do giant steps. (Or so my mind tells me). I had to remind myself that starting a blog is a very good start to my creative journey, but it's not the be-all-end-all. It is what it is. A start. I can't compare myself to those well known bloggers who ended up with book deals. That's not what this blog is about (at least, I don't think it is). Besides, when I really get honest with myself, I don't think I am quite ready to write a book. Maybe someday, but not today. Sigh. So to answer my own question, no, I'm not famous. There will be no paparazzi at my front door, no big accolades to be had. Just me. Plus a dog, kid, and fiance. At least they think I'm pretty fab.

I'm forcing myself to do this.

So, I ran into a fellow writer at the grocery store today. As we were chatting, I found myself encouraging her to push herself to set goals each week to get her work out to the public. But then I realized how hypocritical I was actually being. I haven't blogged or done any sort of creative writing in years. Hence, this blog. To you, the reader, I will warn you right from the start. There will be cursing, and most likely I will talk about issues that may be touchy to some. Like addiction, depression, eating disorders, and spirituality. But this is my blog, my journey, my perspective. If you can't respect that, reconsider why you are reading this is the first place.

Still here? Good. I like you. Can we have coffee sometime? As you may or may not know, I am a relatively young mother. It was a blessing is a very, very thorough disguise. I sometimes still question it. I do stay at home full time with my daughter. But, like the title of my blog states, it's not that simple. Between a dog, fiance, and daughter, I am struggling to find the time, energy, and resources (aka money) to figure out what exactly it is I want to do for me. Like, career-wise. Part of me feels guilty for even wanting something outside my home life to find fulfillment. Part of me doubts I'm talented enough to even achieve anything. And part of me is too tired to think beyond today's list of to-do's. Then there is a teensy sliver of me (the one that forced me to start this blog) that cheers me on. I call this part of me my intuition or inner self. It's hard not to listen my sad me's. They've been with me for so long, it's second nature to believe what I hear them say. But, I am slowly learning to distinguish my inner self from their lies. But it really isn't simple.

By the way, tears are allowed here. And so are hugs, love, confusion, whatever you are going through, it's allowed here, judgement free. You're welcome. Because, I get it. Life isn't ever simple.