I Just Word Vomitted.

How does one know whether or not they are a talented writer? Does it matter? I feel like I am, so does that make me one? What is it that makes me think I am a talented writer? How do I know that what I have to say (if anything) is of value to anyone else? I struggle with that thought. It seems to me like all that is of importance has already been said; already been lived. We as a people know deep down, what makes the world go round. The philosophers have written all the deep thoughts and musings on the meaning of life. The authors have recorded all the stories of triumph, love, failure, and pain. So where do I fit in? My story is not one that hasn’t been written before. Even my perspective on the things I have overcome is not unique. I am in such a different place than a lot of peers my age are. Past the “life’s a party” and “I’m invincible” phase, but without a degree of any sort to really start any kind of career.

I feel as if I’m in limbo. I have a two and a half year old, and am about to have another baby. I don’t have an outside job. So, technically, I fall into the “stay at home parent” category. But that doesn’t feel right to me, either. Of course, I love being able to watch my daughter grow, and to spend wonderful moments with her. She has helped shape me into who I am today. She’s always good for when I’m feeling down or insecure- I just stop what I’m doing and play with her. Soon enough, those feelings dissipate. But there is something else in me that wants to be heard. So often I feel the calling to sit down and write. And yet, I never trust that what I have to say is worthy or of value, so I pretend I don’t hear that song, calling me to put words onto a page.

Logically, I know what I should do. I should force myself to sit down and write each day, for a set amount of time. Just let the words come forth, regardless if they have any meaning or even make sense. Maybe it’s because I’m scared of what will appear on those pages. Maybe there is a truth that I’m not ready or unwilling to see just waiting to be written. Or, maybe I’m simply wallowing in self-doubt and fear. I want to be successful, who doesn’t? I have the passion for writing (albeit stifled at the moment), and things I want to say, so why haven’t I started pursuing it?

I think about this a lot. Even when I tell myself daily affirmations such as “I am enough” or “My voice is unique”, nothing has yet to emerge. I know I also allow myself to be side tracked by other things in life, like money, physical appearances, kids, relationships with others, etc. It just continues to feel like I am floating through my journey in life, not really invested in any one category, or too afraid to try.

Wow, I had a lot to get out. I kind of word vomited all over you, dear reader. Be gentle with me, ok?

xoxo

Late night musings..

I don't know how to preface this entry, except to say that it is not an attempt for validation of my worth, or fishing for compliments. It is simply a subject that has been on my mind. It is something I don't think is talked about often enough, yet affects a lot of people to varying degrees.

Many people I know (myself included) struggle with some sort of depression. There is a lot of medication, therapy, and help groups for it. Yet what happens when none of those methods are sufficient for the one struggling? Often, death seems like the only answer. I have been lucky enough to have options (therapy, medications, etc,) that help me function in society and find my own version of happiness. But there are those who do not find a better way to live. Even successful people struggle. I think of Robin Williams. One of the best comedians of our time, and yet he reached a place where he could no longer fight off the depression. He seemed to have it all, money, fame, success. His life is a testament that those things do not equal true happiness.

Some consider suicide as a selfish act. I do not. Not that I think suicide is ok, either. I just know that sometimes the darkness seems so deep and dark that one cannot see any other way to make the pain go away. Of course it is sad and tragic.  There are often families left behind to grieve. Yet, that person wasn't trying to hurt them. Rather, they could not see past their own internal pain. And for some one to be hurting so much that death was the only viable option, well, at least they have been released from the chains that bound them to their pain. To clarify: me expressing these views does NOT mean I, myself, am suicidal. These are my personal perspectives on a subject, please do not take it as I am feeling suicidal. I definitely am grateful to be alive and have hope for my future.

Many people from all walks of life have differing views on suicide, and that's ok. I'm just saying that until you have been where that person has been, maybe don't be so quick to judge and assume things about them. We all have secrets, and internal sufferings. Some are so great that it can take all we have just to function through day to day life. For those of you who are struggling, know that you are not alone. Depression is a very isolating disease, but take comfort in that the feelings you are feeling are not yours alone. And they will pass, even if that means they only slightly lessen. It's a start.

Update!

I feel obligated to update you, dear reader. As you may or may not know, I am pregnant with baby #2. We were very excited to receive this news.. until the sickness started in. I was nauseous with Fiona, but that was nothing compared to this. I had a very picky stomach, that pretty much would only hold down freezies. I was also taken off all medications, except for my prenatal. I was nervous about doing so, but of course wanted what is best for the baby. On top of all that I got prenatal carpel tunnel, which apparently is a thing?

So, fast forward to today. Luckily, the nausea has pretty much gone away (4 weeks later). The carpel tunnel comes and goes. I am still trying to recover from being so sick, though. It really did a number on my mental state. Old fears and thoughts started making my mind home again. Old eating disorder rituals have started popping up in my daily life. I feel like I am in limbo. I know logically, that I need to eat to keep the baby nourished. I know, logically, that I have to take care of myself for the baby. I know all of these things. That doesn't make daily living any easier.

I have been honest with my husband and my family. I have started looking into a couple of different options. It's frustrating, though, to finally muster up the courage to admit that I need help, yet be rejected, more than once. I don't think asking for help is easy for anyone, let alone some one whose disease is an inwardly isolating one. The thing that hurts the most, I think, is being rejected by people who are close. Who know my struggles, and still choose to paste a smile on their face and pretend everything is going to be okay. When is it too late to help some one in need? Is it when looking down at a cold, lifeless body? Because that is the reality of depression, and ED. These are dark thoughts, I know, but it's my reality, something I face everyday. I can't stand when people say "I would have never guessed", or "I wish I could have done more". Those are words of denial. You only see what you want to see. When was the last time you actually took the time to truly listen to some one's troubles, and then helped them brainstorm solutions? When was the last time you did a random act of kindness? Words are just words, but action is love.

Vulnerability at its finest...

I am broadening my horizon.. and it is scary! A while back I reached out (randomly) to a gal who writes an awesome blog, and I shared my idea of a way (if willing) she could help in getting my blog out there to more readers. She thought it was a wonderful idea, and we began collaborating. I would like to say that it's "all in a day's work" or "no big deal", but being this open and vulnerable is still new and a little uncomfortable to me. I'm not good at stepping outside my box of safety when it comes to making positives changes in my life. I have to continually redirect my thinking, and check my actions often.

That being said, I am so excited to be doing something positive not only for myself, but hopefully others too! It is so important that we take time to appreciate who we are and all that our body does for us, with out us even thinking about it! I am grateful that my body has this continuous breathing idea under control, or I'd be in big trouble! So, if you have not already, post a picture of you, in some kind of outfit that makes you feel wonderful, smashing, and/or sexy to instagram with #jandmloveyourself to be part of this awesomeness! Because we are all beyoutiful!

Shout out to all the mothers out there- You the real MVP!

Even though Mother's Day has past, I think it is important to celebrate these wonderful women in our lives today, and every day. They truly are the real MVP's! This is a poem I wrote to my mom. She is the most courageous, beautiful, and loving woman I know. For even though she has nine children and 18 grandchildren, she loves us all with abundance.

A Mother’s Touch

Knowing that my mom is near,

Or only a phone call away,

Lifts the weight off my shoulders,

And releases the worst of my fear.

A mother’s touch is like no other,

It cannot be compared.

But it passes through each generation.

From mother, to mother, to mother.

Some search very far and wide,

To find this long lost gem.

And once found, breathe a sigh of relief.

Eternal love now stands together through life’s tide.

Claire Eckel, 2015

Life is about feeling wonderful!

Ahhh... Summer is just around the corner, I can smell it! I am loving life. I got an awesome job opportunity, so I am anxiously waiting to hear back from the company! I am a little sad to be putting my daughter back in daycare, but honestly, she absolutely LOVES it. Life is flowing smoothly, and it feels wonderful. New and exciting opportunities pop up, like the one that popped up a couple weeks ago.
I am going to be guest blogging on one of my favorite blogs, jackieandmarilynblog.wordpress.com. We are going to do a week of "self love". I am going to share my story, and then they are going to post pictures of outfits that make them feel fabulous, wonderful about themselves (the blog is about fashion)! Then, to wrap up the week, I am going to post a picture of me in my most darling outfit that I like to rock. I am inviting all of you, my dearest readers, to join in on the fun! During the week of May 18-22, post a picture of you in something that makes you appreciate YOU for who you are. It can be anything, painting smock, yoga pants, little black dress, whatever it is that you feel wonderful. I will post the hashtags later on as I know more. Can't wait to see all you lovelies in your glory! Shine on, sweet thing, shine on.

For all the crabby people in the world, READ THIS STORY.

Once upon a time, there was a city called SmilesGalore. In this city, it was against the law to frown or cry or even just plain ol look the tiniest bit down in the dumps. Every day, upon opening ones eyes, a smile (or a similar look) had to be pasted on tight. The reason for this, the elders said, was so that everyone would just automatically BE happy. You know the ol "fake it til ya make it"?

Well, one morning, little miss Sunny herself just couldn't get her smile to stay. As she looked in the mirror, she tried willing her lip muscles to move in the shape of even a half grin. No luck. So she tried taping her smile up. Didn't work-AND her skin hairs got ripped off! Sunny ker-plunked onto her bed. "What am I going to do?" she wailed. "If I don't have my smile on, people will know I'm not happy... who knows what would happen then!" With no other options popping into her mind, Sunny trudged down the steps to eat her breakfast.

"GOOOOOOOOOD MORNING SUNNY!" her father exclaimed, with a grin so wide it looked as if his face was about to burst. "Mornin'," Sunny said meekly.
"Oh my beeswax! Oh my knobbly knees! Why haven't you got a smile on yet, Sunny?" shrieked her mother.  Sunny looked at her mom, then looked back at the floor. "Well, it won't stay up," she squeaked. "B-B-But, why NOT?" replied her mom.
Sunny shook her head in confusion. "I don't know. I went to bed with it on, and then when I woke up... well, it just wouldn't stay on! And besides," she softly whispered, "I don't really feel happy today"
"Ehhhhhh, what was that? Whadja say? I can't hear when you mumble" her father bellowed.
Sunny sighed, and firmly said "I am not happy today, father".
"Ya mean to say, that you're going to walk around this city, WITHOUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE?" gurgled her father.
"I guess. I mean I tried and tried to get my smile to stay, but, well, it just wouldn't." Sunny responded.
"Whelp, I guess I'd better let the townsfolk know, and see if they can be just a little more kind when crossing paths with you," her mother sighed. "Hopefully they won't treat you any differently".
And so it came to be, that in the town of SmilesGalore, people began to realize that they didn't have to pretend to be happy when they weren't. In fact, it actually felt better to smile ONLY  when they felt genuinely joyous!
Moral of the story: be grateful you live in a place that allows you to choose whether to smile or not. That it all.

The Joy of Living Life!

I DID IT AGAIN. Sorry. I can't believe it's been a whole month since I have posted anything. I'm not sure why that is. I guess life happened. I have been scrambling here and there for what feels like forever (really just 2 weeks).
So, now I have a minute to breathe and reflect. I have been up and down mood wise (no surprise there), but it feels different now for some reason. I think it's a combination of things. For one, I am practicing what I talk about. And guess what? It works for me, too! I am not so different after all. I am learning how to balance exercise with normal eating (you know, letting my body tell me when I'm full or hungry). I recognize that, while in the past, over-exercising was an issue, I have the tools now to walk myself through those thoughts and change my behavior. It's scary. It makes me mad sometimes. Sometimes I want to do things the easy way and not have to be aware so much. And yet, here I am. Eating normally, with no conditions. Here I am, exercising when I feel like it and having fun, NOT because I feel like I have to compensate. I am also noticing my thoughts and focusing on the ones that made me feel GOOD. I've noticed that the more I think about the thoughts that make me feel good, the more natural and consistent these thoughts become. And when that happens, soon it starts becoming part of what I know and believe about myself. And let me tell you something. I absolutely LOVE feeling good about myself. And you know what? I have every right to have those feelings! Now, I am not saying that I am perfect or invincible or above anyone else. I just really like feeling good about myself. You should too. With every negative thought you have about yourself, there is the exact opposite thought, too. I am shifting my focus from the negative thoughts and focusing on the positive- what is here and now. I'm going to continue doing and thinking things that make me feel that deep, satisfying joy of living life. I'll let you know how it goes.

I am not God.... right?

It's so easy for me to get caught in every day life. It's even easier to forget all of the good things that I DO have. Being an addict, it's second nature for me to be self-centered. And while becoming a mother has helped with this tremendously, I still struggle with it now and then. Here are some things I have found that don't work:
-Staying in my self pity. The longer I'm in it, the harder it gets to pull myself out. Before I know it, I have made myself a nice, cozy bed and have no plans of getting out of said bed. I start shutting others out claiming, "they just don't understand me".  Unless they are bringing me a blueberry muffin. Blueberry muffins are good.
-Trying to control others and getting them to do what I want. Other people are their own entities. I have no right to manipulate or force them to do what I want. Even if I think it's what is best for them. A lot of time my motives are good ones, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm still manipulating. I have to trust that their God/Higher Power has their back. I also have to trust that there is a God, and it's NOT ME.
-Justifying behaviors and thoughts. Whenever I find the need to justify something, usually that's a good clue for me to stop and take an honest look at whatever it is I'm trying to justify. Justifying leads to compromising my spirituality, and that is like balancing on the ledge of a super high building with strong winds starting to blow.

"So what then, does actually work," you may be thinking. It has taken me time and a lot of trial and error, but here are a few things I have found that helps be less self-centered:
-Helping others that I know are in some sort of need. This is good for putting my problems into perspective. It also gets me out of my head, simply because I am too busy to be thinking about me. Helping others is also good for making me feel less alone. Knowing some one else has life struggles and getting to help them with theirs lets me know that whatever I'm going through probably isn't that uncommon (and that I'm not completely insane).
-Reading positive messages daily. Whether it be from a daily meditation book or short quotes,  giving myself affirmations and ways to continue my day with love and tolerance lets me be open minded to all that my Higher Power has in store for me.
-Attitude of gratitude. When I am continually reminding myself of all that I do have, instead of focusing on what I don't. I feel better about myself and am less likely to hold resentments against others. It also keeps in contact with my HP. Talking with my Higher Power daily is crucial for me to not get caught up in selfishness and controlling behavior. I remember to accept whatever happens that day, knowing that I am not alone on this journey and that no matter how hard I tried, things are gonna happen the way they are gonna happen.
A wise woman once asked me "do you want to be right, or do you want to be free?". This struck home with me. It is a reminder that I can choose to let things go, freeing me from all that is blocking me from my spirituality.

Would you walk a mile in my uber cute ballet flats?

You know that saying "walk a mile in my shoes"? Well, dearest reader, take off the shoes you're currently wearing, cuz I am giving you the chance to walk a mile in my cute black ballet flats. I know, you are most likely wondering why on earth you would do such a thing. But I promise, there IS a point to this.
This isn't coming out of the blue. Lately I have been seeing/hearing so much talk about "dieting" and "eating healthy". You know, the "I shouldn't be eating this" or "It's ok, I went to the gym today". Or my personal favorite, "This is my 'cheat' day". Why is this thinking considered not only normal, but HEALTHY thinking? Since when is it ok to shame and guilt ourselves about the things we eat or the way we look? As a mother, one thing I strive to do is encourage balance. That everything is ok, in moderation. I am not saying that overeating is the way to go, either. But it's ok to listen to our bodies. To eat when we're hungry and stop when we're full. It's surprising how much better we actually function when our physical needs (aka eating) are met. Hence, my dears, the mile in my cute ballet flats. I hope from my experience you can continue walking in your own shoes, knowing that a number on the scale doesn't make you who YOU are. That beauty is not physical appearances. Beauty is being vulnerable. Being honest and real.
It all started my junior year in high school. I started noticing boys (well, mostly the fact that I didn't know how to interact with them). I started noticing how alone I felt. I don't know why I turned to food to cope, but I did. Throughout the rest of my high school years, I was constantly battling my obsession with food. I would swing from not eating anything other than fruits and veggies, to constantly eating anything I could get my hands on and then forcing myself to throw it up. It honestly never occurred to me that this wasn't normal behavior.
Once out high school, it wasn't long before I went over the deep end and completely lost my sense of self to my eating disorder. I would spend the next six years in and out of hospitals, psych wards, and inpatient eating disorder facilities. To this day, I can remember the nights spent lost in my repeating thoughts. It was like I was two different people. The facade I put on, smiling, happy, outgoing Claire. Once alone, the other me emerged. This Claire was silent, cold, and numb. When this Claire took over I no longer felt any emotions. I no longer felt any joy, love or sadness. I did what I had to to get by. But in the back of my head was the constant rattle of my obsessive thoughts. "I'm not good enough", "If only I loose __ more pounds, then everything will be ok", or "I will be beautiful once I weigh __ pounds". What people usually don't realize is that once some one develops an eating disorder, it will takes months or years of hard work before they are able to overcome the voices in their head telling them these destructive lies.
Looking back, it makes me sad at how much time I spent listening to my eating disorder, following its every command. Even during the months of seemingly good recovery, my ED was always there, scheming and whispering in my ear. It took a long time (and lots of therapy and psychiatry visits) before I was able to recognize that I didn't HAVE to listen to my ED. That my eating disorder didn't define me as a person. Recovery from anything, whether it be an addiction, co-dependency, self harm, or just plain ol' negative thinking takes a lot of practice. It takes a lot of trial and error. Recovery means letting others see me at my most vulnerable times, times when I am not sure who I am or what I am doing. It also entails asking for help. This, for me, was one of the hardest one to learn. But I have learned that it is the weak that do not ask for help. It takes strength and giving up control to ask for help. There have been a few times when I have asked for help, and none was given. It was in those moments that I kicked off my trendy heels and put on my old shit kicking boots. Those are the experiences that have made me a stronger person.
Well, you can take off my cute ballet flats. Whew, you're probably thinking.I exhaust myself too, sometimes. But I am learning what moderation looks and feels like for me- and that, my friends, is a whole other story to be told!

In case you were wondering, I WILL BE OK.

Growing up is a funny thing. Although I am proud of who I have begun to morph into, it's still scares me a little. I am finding myself really, truly knowing who I am and what I stand for. It brings a sense of peace. I will be ok. I had a situation that would have normally sent me spiraling into a world of self pity and negativity arise the other day. Oddly enough, I was able to step back and begin to honestly process what I was feeling. Sure enough, a sense of peace swept over me and "I will be ok" floated through my head. It dawned on me then, that no matter what the outcome of that situation, I would be ok. I respect myself. I have faith in myself that I can work through anything. I am loved, and I am loving. And no matter what struggles or difficult events occur, I will be ok. That comes from the strength of a power greater than myself. And for that, I am truly grateful.