Wow. I haven't posted anything for two whole months... But I've thought about it-that counts, right? I have been struggling with what to write about. Not for the lack of events going on in my life, there has been plenty of that! I guess sometimes I don't know how to word things, and then once that vicious cycle has started, it's mighty hard to turn back.
I have been working on holding myself accountable for my actions (and words). Like little white lies (that sometimes aren't so little). I think all humans have a tendency to do this from time to time. Sometimes, even when I mean to tell the truth, a completely different thing than I meant to say just jumps out of my mouth. For no apparent reason. You know, that time when someone asks you some mundane question (like what did you do today?) and you blurt out a complete lie (like, did homework, when really you took a nap for 3 hours)? Then you think back about it and ask, WTF, self? What was that about? So, I do this. But then, sometimes (mostly out of fear), I bend the truth about not so little things. It's an old habit of mine. Mostly one I perfected when in active addiction (both ED and alcohol). I mean, when your life is shit and you're not willing to change it, who doesn't lie to themselves that everything is just dandy? I sure did. It's not always easy to catch myself BEFORE I do it. And it definitely is uncomfortable having to fess up AFTER I do it. But in the end, it's been a learning process. Both about me and how others react to me either lying and/or fessing up. You know I saw this meme on Facebook. It pretty much summed up where I'm at in my head. "The older you get, the more you realize that no one has a clue what they're doing. Everyone's just winging it".
