Warning: This post contains no earth-shattering epiphanies. Only garden shenanigans.

So, it's happened. Again. I have struggled to post a blog this because in my mind, nothing of importance happened this week. Nor did I have any mind blowing epiphanies to share. So, unfortunately dear reader, this blog will not contain any of the above.

I struggle with the up keep of things in the realm of blogging. If I dig deeper, I've discovered that in reality, I am afraid to share my vulnerabilities with others. So, I'm pulling on my big girl panties and sharing.

I was recently put on a new medication for my depression. (Another thing to add to my daily pill regimen). I'm not sure if I like it. And I know it's most likely to soon to tell whether it will work or not, but it puts me on edge. The last couple days have been better, but before that my mind was rather racy (and not in the way you're thinking, get your out of the gutter!). I literally got a headache from the racetrack going on up there. On the bright side, I made it through it and now it's just more of a normal, mom rushing around to get the zillion house chores done sort of speed. Another plus is I started a garden. (Some of your eyes might be glazing over at the sight of boring garden talk, but hang on, I'll explain). For so many years I too, rolled my eyes at the sound of other adults yakking about garden shenanigans. Now, after the years of chaos and destruction that I've lived, a garden sounds nice. It's tangible. When I'm angry, anxious, scared, I can always go picks weeds. And I get rewarded! It's a win-win for all. I'm being productive. It's a nice replacement from the drinking, drugs, and starving myself. So, yes, it's just a garden. But for me, HOORAY, I'm planting a GARDEN! Because all the things normal, responsible adults do seem foreign to me. I have to walk myself through the steps it takes to just being an adult in my head every day. Because, it was second nature for me to say screw it to life and go numb out. So I will tend to my garden. And breathe in that deep earthy smell that radiates from the dirt. And smile. Because I have a garden.

Wait, so am I like, famous?

So, I am a little OCD about my writing. It makes me feel vulnerable. I don't like vulnerable. It's scary. Heaven forbid some one actually know what I'm thinking! And now that I have a blog, it makes my thoughts seem more real, more concrete. Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, my mind was going crazy. Like, what if people don't like what I have to say? What if my life is really too boring for any one to care what I have to say? When will I be famous? Does starting a blog mean I'm there already?

I know, I know, that last thought seems a little out there. Most of you are probably thinking, "calm down, it's JUST  a blog". But my mind is like, "OMG, you just started a BLOG"! See, I am a very all or nothing type a gal. If I put effort into something, then I want it all. F baby steps. I do giant steps. (Or so my mind tells me). I had to remind myself that starting a blog is a very good start to my creative journey, but it's not the be-all-end-all. It is what it is. A start. I can't compare myself to those well known bloggers who ended up with book deals. That's not what this blog is about (at least, I don't think it is). Besides, when I really get honest with myself, I don't think I am quite ready to write a book. Maybe someday, but not today. Sigh. So to answer my own question, no, I'm not famous. There will be no paparazzi at my front door, no big accolades to be had. Just me. Plus a dog, kid, and fiance. At least they think I'm pretty fab.

I'm forcing myself to do this.

So, I ran into a fellow writer at the grocery store today. As we were chatting, I found myself encouraging her to push herself to set goals each week to get her work out to the public. But then I realized how hypocritical I was actually being. I haven't blogged or done any sort of creative writing in years. Hence, this blog. To you, the reader, I will warn you right from the start. There will be cursing, and most likely I will talk about issues that may be touchy to some. Like addiction, depression, eating disorders, and spirituality. But this is my blog, my journey, my perspective. If you can't respect that, reconsider why you are reading this is the first place.

Still here? Good. I like you. Can we have coffee sometime? As you may or may not know, I am a relatively young mother. It was a blessing is a very, very thorough disguise. I sometimes still question it. I do stay at home full time with my daughter. But, like the title of my blog states, it's not that simple. Between a dog, fiance, and daughter, I am struggling to find the time, energy, and resources (aka money) to figure out what exactly it is I want to do for me. Like, career-wise. Part of me feels guilty for even wanting something outside my home life to find fulfillment. Part of me doubts I'm talented enough to even achieve anything. And part of me is too tired to think beyond today's list of to-do's. Then there is a teensy sliver of me (the one that forced me to start this blog) that cheers me on. I call this part of me my intuition or inner self. It's hard not to listen my sad me's. They've been with me for so long, it's second nature to believe what I hear them say. But, I am slowly learning to distinguish my inner self from their lies. But it really isn't simple.

By the way, tears are allowed here. And so are hugs, love, confusion, whatever you are going through, it's allowed here, judgement free. You're welcome. Because, I get it. Life isn't ever simple.