So, it's happened. Again. I have struggled to post a blog this because in my mind, nothing of importance happened this week. Nor did I have any mind blowing epiphanies to share. So, unfortunately dear reader, this blog will not contain any of the above.
I struggle with the up keep of things in the realm of blogging. If I dig deeper, I've discovered that in reality, I am afraid to share my vulnerabilities with others. So, I'm pulling on my big girl panties and sharing.
I was recently put on a new medication for my depression. (Another thing to add to my daily pill regimen). I'm not sure if I like it. And I know it's most likely to soon to tell whether it will work or not, but it puts me on edge. The last couple days have been better, but before that my mind was rather racy (and not in the way you're thinking, get your out of the gutter!). I literally got a headache from the racetrack going on up there. On the bright side, I made it through it and now it's just more of a normal, mom rushing around to get the zillion house chores done sort of speed. Another plus is I started a garden. (Some of your eyes might be glazing over at the sight of boring garden talk, but hang on, I'll explain). For so many years I too, rolled my eyes at the sound of other adults yakking about garden shenanigans. Now, after the years of chaos and destruction that I've lived, a garden sounds nice. It's tangible. When I'm angry, anxious, scared, I can always go picks weeds. And I get rewarded! It's a win-win for all. I'm being productive. It's a nice replacement from the drinking, drugs, and starving myself. So, yes, it's just a garden. But for me, HOORAY, I'm planting a GARDEN! Because all the things normal, responsible adults do seem foreign to me. I have to walk myself through the steps it takes to just being an adult in my head every day. Because, it was second nature for me to say screw it to life and go numb out. So I will tend to my garden. And breathe in that deep earthy smell that radiates from the dirt. And smile. Because I have a garden.
I like to go pick weeds in my flower beds, too. There is always plenty, and I never get it all done at once. It is relaxing. Have you been on an antidepressant before?
ReplyDeleteHope all goes well. I appreciate your honesty here- it's refreshing to read. Keep it up : )
Doing the "next right thing" is always an important step toward serenity.
ReplyDeleteJan, yes I have. A couple different ones. Thanks for your support, guys.
ReplyDelete