The Joy of Living Life!

I DID IT AGAIN. Sorry. I can't believe it's been a whole month since I have posted anything. I'm not sure why that is. I guess life happened. I have been scrambling here and there for what feels like forever (really just 2 weeks).
So, now I have a minute to breathe and reflect. I have been up and down mood wise (no surprise there), but it feels different now for some reason. I think it's a combination of things. For one, I am practicing what I talk about. And guess what? It works for me, too! I am not so different after all. I am learning how to balance exercise with normal eating (you know, letting my body tell me when I'm full or hungry). I recognize that, while in the past, over-exercising was an issue, I have the tools now to walk myself through those thoughts and change my behavior. It's scary. It makes me mad sometimes. Sometimes I want to do things the easy way and not have to be aware so much. And yet, here I am. Eating normally, with no conditions. Here I am, exercising when I feel like it and having fun, NOT because I feel like I have to compensate. I am also noticing my thoughts and focusing on the ones that made me feel GOOD. I've noticed that the more I think about the thoughts that make me feel good, the more natural and consistent these thoughts become. And when that happens, soon it starts becoming part of what I know and believe about myself. And let me tell you something. I absolutely LOVE feeling good about myself. And you know what? I have every right to have those feelings! Now, I am not saying that I am perfect or invincible or above anyone else. I just really like feeling good about myself. You should too. With every negative thought you have about yourself, there is the exact opposite thought, too. I am shifting my focus from the negative thoughts and focusing on the positive- what is here and now. I'm going to continue doing and thinking things that make me feel that deep, satisfying joy of living life. I'll let you know how it goes.

I am not God.... right?

It's so easy for me to get caught in every day life. It's even easier to forget all of the good things that I DO have. Being an addict, it's second nature for me to be self-centered. And while becoming a mother has helped with this tremendously, I still struggle with it now and then. Here are some things I have found that don't work:
-Staying in my self pity. The longer I'm in it, the harder it gets to pull myself out. Before I know it, I have made myself a nice, cozy bed and have no plans of getting out of said bed. I start shutting others out claiming, "they just don't understand me".  Unless they are bringing me a blueberry muffin. Blueberry muffins are good.
-Trying to control others and getting them to do what I want. Other people are their own entities. I have no right to manipulate or force them to do what I want. Even if I think it's what is best for them. A lot of time my motives are good ones, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm still manipulating. I have to trust that their God/Higher Power has their back. I also have to trust that there is a God, and it's NOT ME.
-Justifying behaviors and thoughts. Whenever I find the need to justify something, usually that's a good clue for me to stop and take an honest look at whatever it is I'm trying to justify. Justifying leads to compromising my spirituality, and that is like balancing on the ledge of a super high building with strong winds starting to blow.

"So what then, does actually work," you may be thinking. It has taken me time and a lot of trial and error, but here are a few things I have found that helps be less self-centered:
-Helping others that I know are in some sort of need. This is good for putting my problems into perspective. It also gets me out of my head, simply because I am too busy to be thinking about me. Helping others is also good for making me feel less alone. Knowing some one else has life struggles and getting to help them with theirs lets me know that whatever I'm going through probably isn't that uncommon (and that I'm not completely insane).
-Reading positive messages daily. Whether it be from a daily meditation book or short quotes,  giving myself affirmations and ways to continue my day with love and tolerance lets me be open minded to all that my Higher Power has in store for me.
-Attitude of gratitude. When I am continually reminding myself of all that I do have, instead of focusing on what I don't. I feel better about myself and am less likely to hold resentments against others. It also keeps in contact with my HP. Talking with my Higher Power daily is crucial for me to not get caught up in selfishness and controlling behavior. I remember to accept whatever happens that day, knowing that I am not alone on this journey and that no matter how hard I tried, things are gonna happen the way they are gonna happen.
A wise woman once asked me "do you want to be right, or do you want to be free?". This struck home with me. It is a reminder that I can choose to let things go, freeing me from all that is blocking me from my spirituality.

Would you walk a mile in my uber cute ballet flats?

You know that saying "walk a mile in my shoes"? Well, dearest reader, take off the shoes you're currently wearing, cuz I am giving you the chance to walk a mile in my cute black ballet flats. I know, you are most likely wondering why on earth you would do such a thing. But I promise, there IS a point to this.
This isn't coming out of the blue. Lately I have been seeing/hearing so much talk about "dieting" and "eating healthy". You know, the "I shouldn't be eating this" or "It's ok, I went to the gym today". Or my personal favorite, "This is my 'cheat' day". Why is this thinking considered not only normal, but HEALTHY thinking? Since when is it ok to shame and guilt ourselves about the things we eat or the way we look? As a mother, one thing I strive to do is encourage balance. That everything is ok, in moderation. I am not saying that overeating is the way to go, either. But it's ok to listen to our bodies. To eat when we're hungry and stop when we're full. It's surprising how much better we actually function when our physical needs (aka eating) are met. Hence, my dears, the mile in my cute ballet flats. I hope from my experience you can continue walking in your own shoes, knowing that a number on the scale doesn't make you who YOU are. That beauty is not physical appearances. Beauty is being vulnerable. Being honest and real.
It all started my junior year in high school. I started noticing boys (well, mostly the fact that I didn't know how to interact with them). I started noticing how alone I felt. I don't know why I turned to food to cope, but I did. Throughout the rest of my high school years, I was constantly battling my obsession with food. I would swing from not eating anything other than fruits and veggies, to constantly eating anything I could get my hands on and then forcing myself to throw it up. It honestly never occurred to me that this wasn't normal behavior.
Once out high school, it wasn't long before I went over the deep end and completely lost my sense of self to my eating disorder. I would spend the next six years in and out of hospitals, psych wards, and inpatient eating disorder facilities. To this day, I can remember the nights spent lost in my repeating thoughts. It was like I was two different people. The facade I put on, smiling, happy, outgoing Claire. Once alone, the other me emerged. This Claire was silent, cold, and numb. When this Claire took over I no longer felt any emotions. I no longer felt any joy, love or sadness. I did what I had to to get by. But in the back of my head was the constant rattle of my obsessive thoughts. "I'm not good enough", "If only I loose __ more pounds, then everything will be ok", or "I will be beautiful once I weigh __ pounds". What people usually don't realize is that once some one develops an eating disorder, it will takes months or years of hard work before they are able to overcome the voices in their head telling them these destructive lies.
Looking back, it makes me sad at how much time I spent listening to my eating disorder, following its every command. Even during the months of seemingly good recovery, my ED was always there, scheming and whispering in my ear. It took a long time (and lots of therapy and psychiatry visits) before I was able to recognize that I didn't HAVE to listen to my ED. That my eating disorder didn't define me as a person. Recovery from anything, whether it be an addiction, co-dependency, self harm, or just plain ol' negative thinking takes a lot of practice. It takes a lot of trial and error. Recovery means letting others see me at my most vulnerable times, times when I am not sure who I am or what I am doing. It also entails asking for help. This, for me, was one of the hardest one to learn. But I have learned that it is the weak that do not ask for help. It takes strength and giving up control to ask for help. There have been a few times when I have asked for help, and none was given. It was in those moments that I kicked off my trendy heels and put on my old shit kicking boots. Those are the experiences that have made me a stronger person.
Well, you can take off my cute ballet flats. Whew, you're probably thinking.I exhaust myself too, sometimes. But I am learning what moderation looks and feels like for me- and that, my friends, is a whole other story to be told!

In case you were wondering, I WILL BE OK.

Growing up is a funny thing. Although I am proud of who I have begun to morph into, it's still scares me a little. I am finding myself really, truly knowing who I am and what I stand for. It brings a sense of peace. I will be ok. I had a situation that would have normally sent me spiraling into a world of self pity and negativity arise the other day. Oddly enough, I was able to step back and begin to honestly process what I was feeling. Sure enough, a sense of peace swept over me and "I will be ok" floated through my head. It dawned on me then, that no matter what the outcome of that situation, I would be ok. I respect myself. I have faith in myself that I can work through anything. I am loved, and I am loving. And no matter what struggles or difficult events occur, I will be ok. That comes from the strength of a power greater than myself. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Through the sadness, I find gratitude.

Hi. I'm back at it. I'm thankful that things are starting to slow down around our house.. I don't handle chaos very well (I tend to get caught up in it and before I know it I've gone mad). I have a couple more weeks of break and then it's back to school I go! I have been thoroughly enjoying my time off. It feels so good to relax and enjoy doing absolutely nothing AND not even feeling the least but guilty. I have a nice stack of books that I can't wait to dive into. It's been way too long since I've sat down and read just for the pleasure of it.

I've been looking back at the last couple months of my life. Reflecting at all the emotional roller coaster rides and uncertainty; I'm really grateful to be where I am today. Happy, healthy, and living life on life's terms. Because, really, that's all we can do. There is no forcing life to be a certain way. The more I fight and try to control my life, the more miserable I become. I've gained quite a bit of weight since last winter-most of it was much needed. It's been hard to adjust to this new body shape. No longer do I have a young ladies body. I have a full grown woman size body shape, curves and all. Part of me is still grieving that part of myself I have given up. But most of me is relieved, and happy to be able to eat whatever I want want and feel no guilt about it! Having kids and being a full time mom is way more important to me than striving for a skeletal body. Sure, I still have down days. There are days where I contemplate letting my eating disorder back in. But something always brings me back to reality and I realize what a waste that would be. I am no longer responsible for just myself. I have others to think about, too. And that is what I am most grateful for. The most beautiful thing in life is being able to love some one else fully, without holding anything back. Letting my ED in would take that all away from me.I am by no means perfect. I still fall back into old behaviors every now and then. But I am so grateful for all the progress I have made. It really is about living life one day at a time for me. Any more, and I start sliding into madness.

My gratitude comes partly from learning about the condition a friend of mine is in. This women has been there for me, pretty much since I first really got sober. During my pregnancy she was like a second mom to me. She always knew just what I needed to hear and always knew the answers to all my questions. Her and her husband were so good to Chase and I at a time when we didn't have much family close by. Words cannot express how grateful I am to her and all the kindness she has shown me. This friend of mine isn't doing well. She has been diagnosed with medical conditions that there is no cure for. Things are progressing way too fast, and not in a good way. Through all of this, she tries so hard to stay positive, which is hard, given all the bad news she continually gets from the doctors. She doesn't always see it, but I can see how strong she is. We don't know why life goes the way it goes. She doesn't deserve the pain she is in. And yet, she fights on. Seeing what my friend and her family have gone through the last couple of years has made me so grateful for all that I have. Yes, I have struggles too, but at least I can recover from mine. I wish I could fix her. I wish I could take all the pain away. Most of  all, I wish I could be there for her. We live pretty far away, and that kills me. Today, even though I am so grateful for all that I have, I am really sad too. Some of her struggles I can relate to, and others  I cannot. I wish I could wave a magic wand and cure her. But unfortunately, I hear that's not how life works. I guess I will have to settle for sending her lots of love and warm energy.
So, friend of mine, (you know who you are), when you read this I want you to close your eyes. Imagine yourself on the beach, soaking up the sun with the ocean waves gently crashing in the background. Imagine me sitting next to you.. our little rug rats are running around laughing and playing. Here there is no pain. Only joy and love and lots of laughing. This is our special place to go to when things get too rough. On days when everything seems dark and my ED is knocking at the door, I will close my eyes and come to this place. And when the doctors are giving you bad news, or you are sitting through hours of IV's and transfusions, close your eyes and come here. I will be waiting. I love you.  

[Insert witty title here]

Ah, winter. I always know when you're about to arrive. (Or are here to stay). My mood plummets like a flip of a switch. I did everything I could to prepare this year, from vitamins to meds. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough. When things went from bad to oh-my-god-I-want-curl-up-in-a-cave-forever, shit hit the fan. But like I always some how manage to do, I picked up the pieces and trudged forward. It's never easy. I am still on the mend. Normal people might look at me with befuddlement, wondering why I can't just get my shit together. To them I say, It's ok. You don't have to understand me. You can even judge me if you want. But all this crud that I am mucking through, it will eventually settle down. And I will come out on the other side with more experience to help me (and perhaps others) in the future. This pep talk isn't for you, dear reader. Although I hope it lets you all know you're not all alone trudging through the mucky parts of life. It's mostly for me. I needed this. I've been struggling with who I am. Not just what I DO, but me, all by myself. Not as a mother, wife, student, friend, daughter, or sister. I know I'm young. I know I have many years of life. (Hopefully). But I feel so boring sometimes. Is this really what adulthood is like? If that's the case, send me back to childhood!

I wrote this instead of doing homework. You're welcome.

Wow. I haven't posted anything for two whole months... But I've thought about it-that counts, right? I have been struggling with what to write about. Not for the lack of events going on in my life, there has been plenty of that! I guess sometimes I don't know how to word things, and then once that vicious cycle has started, it's mighty hard to turn back.
I have been working on holding myself accountable for my actions (and words). Like little white lies (that sometimes aren't so little). I think all humans have a tendency to do this from time to time. Sometimes, even when I mean to tell the truth, a completely different thing than I meant to say just jumps out of my mouth. For no apparent reason. You know, that time when someone asks you some mundane question (like what did you do today?) and you blurt out a complete lie (like, did homework, when really you took a nap for 3 hours)? Then you think back about it and ask, WTF, self? What was that about? So, I do this. But then, sometimes (mostly out of fear), I bend the truth about not so little things. It's an old habit of mine. Mostly one I perfected when in active addiction (both ED and alcohol). I mean, when your life is shit and you're not willing to change it, who doesn't lie to themselves that everything is just dandy? I sure did. It's not always easy to catch myself BEFORE I do it. And it definitely is uncomfortable having to fess up AFTER I do it. But in the end, it's been a learning process. Both about me and how others react to me either lying and/or fessing up. You know I saw this meme on Facebook. It pretty much summed up where I'm at in my head. "The older you get, the more you realize that no one has a clue what they're doing. Everyone's just winging it".