Update!

I feel obligated to update you, dear reader. As you may or may not know, I am pregnant with baby #2. We were very excited to receive this news.. until the sickness started in. I was nauseous with Fiona, but that was nothing compared to this. I had a very picky stomach, that pretty much would only hold down freezies. I was also taken off all medications, except for my prenatal. I was nervous about doing so, but of course wanted what is best for the baby. On top of all that I got prenatal carpel tunnel, which apparently is a thing?

So, fast forward to today. Luckily, the nausea has pretty much gone away (4 weeks later). The carpel tunnel comes and goes. I am still trying to recover from being so sick, though. It really did a number on my mental state. Old fears and thoughts started making my mind home again. Old eating disorder rituals have started popping up in my daily life. I feel like I am in limbo. I know logically, that I need to eat to keep the baby nourished. I know, logically, that I have to take care of myself for the baby. I know all of these things. That doesn't make daily living any easier.

I have been honest with my husband and my family. I have started looking into a couple of different options. It's frustrating, though, to finally muster up the courage to admit that I need help, yet be rejected, more than once. I don't think asking for help is easy for anyone, let alone some one whose disease is an inwardly isolating one. The thing that hurts the most, I think, is being rejected by people who are close. Who know my struggles, and still choose to paste a smile on their face and pretend everything is going to be okay. When is it too late to help some one in need? Is it when looking down at a cold, lifeless body? Because that is the reality of depression, and ED. These are dark thoughts, I know, but it's my reality, something I face everyday. I can't stand when people say "I would have never guessed", or "I wish I could have done more". Those are words of denial. You only see what you want to see. When was the last time you actually took the time to truly listen to some one's troubles, and then helped them brainstorm solutions? When was the last time you did a random act of kindness? Words are just words, but action is love.