Through the sadness, I find gratitude.

Hi. I'm back at it. I'm thankful that things are starting to slow down around our house.. I don't handle chaos very well (I tend to get caught up in it and before I know it I've gone mad). I have a couple more weeks of break and then it's back to school I go! I have been thoroughly enjoying my time off. It feels so good to relax and enjoy doing absolutely nothing AND not even feeling the least but guilty. I have a nice stack of books that I can't wait to dive into. It's been way too long since I've sat down and read just for the pleasure of it.

I've been looking back at the last couple months of my life. Reflecting at all the emotional roller coaster rides and uncertainty; I'm really grateful to be where I am today. Happy, healthy, and living life on life's terms. Because, really, that's all we can do. There is no forcing life to be a certain way. The more I fight and try to control my life, the more miserable I become. I've gained quite a bit of weight since last winter-most of it was much needed. It's been hard to adjust to this new body shape. No longer do I have a young ladies body. I have a full grown woman size body shape, curves and all. Part of me is still grieving that part of myself I have given up. But most of me is relieved, and happy to be able to eat whatever I want want and feel no guilt about it! Having kids and being a full time mom is way more important to me than striving for a skeletal body. Sure, I still have down days. There are days where I contemplate letting my eating disorder back in. But something always brings me back to reality and I realize what a waste that would be. I am no longer responsible for just myself. I have others to think about, too. And that is what I am most grateful for. The most beautiful thing in life is being able to love some one else fully, without holding anything back. Letting my ED in would take that all away from me.I am by no means perfect. I still fall back into old behaviors every now and then. But I am so grateful for all the progress I have made. It really is about living life one day at a time for me. Any more, and I start sliding into madness.

My gratitude comes partly from learning about the condition a friend of mine is in. This women has been there for me, pretty much since I first really got sober. During my pregnancy she was like a second mom to me. She always knew just what I needed to hear and always knew the answers to all my questions. Her and her husband were so good to Chase and I at a time when we didn't have much family close by. Words cannot express how grateful I am to her and all the kindness she has shown me. This friend of mine isn't doing well. She has been diagnosed with medical conditions that there is no cure for. Things are progressing way too fast, and not in a good way. Through all of this, she tries so hard to stay positive, which is hard, given all the bad news she continually gets from the doctors. She doesn't always see it, but I can see how strong she is. We don't know why life goes the way it goes. She doesn't deserve the pain she is in. And yet, she fights on. Seeing what my friend and her family have gone through the last couple of years has made me so grateful for all that I have. Yes, I have struggles too, but at least I can recover from mine. I wish I could fix her. I wish I could take all the pain away. Most of  all, I wish I could be there for her. We live pretty far away, and that kills me. Today, even though I am so grateful for all that I have, I am really sad too. Some of her struggles I can relate to, and others  I cannot. I wish I could wave a magic wand and cure her. But unfortunately, I hear that's not how life works. I guess I will have to settle for sending her lots of love and warm energy.
So, friend of mine, (you know who you are), when you read this I want you to close your eyes. Imagine yourself on the beach, soaking up the sun with the ocean waves gently crashing in the background. Imagine me sitting next to you.. our little rug rats are running around laughing and playing. Here there is no pain. Only joy and love and lots of laughing. This is our special place to go to when things get too rough. On days when everything seems dark and my ED is knocking at the door, I will close my eyes and come to this place. And when the doctors are giving you bad news, or you are sitting through hours of IV's and transfusions, close your eyes and come here. I will be waiting. I love you.  

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Ah, winter. I always know when you're about to arrive. (Or are here to stay). My mood plummets like a flip of a switch. I did everything I could to prepare this year, from vitamins to meds. Unfortunately, that wasn't enough. When things went from bad to oh-my-god-I-want-curl-up-in-a-cave-forever, shit hit the fan. But like I always some how manage to do, I picked up the pieces and trudged forward. It's never easy. I am still on the mend. Normal people might look at me with befuddlement, wondering why I can't just get my shit together. To them I say, It's ok. You don't have to understand me. You can even judge me if you want. But all this crud that I am mucking through, it will eventually settle down. And I will come out on the other side with more experience to help me (and perhaps others) in the future. This pep talk isn't for you, dear reader. Although I hope it lets you all know you're not all alone trudging through the mucky parts of life. It's mostly for me. I needed this. I've been struggling with who I am. Not just what I DO, but me, all by myself. Not as a mother, wife, student, friend, daughter, or sister. I know I'm young. I know I have many years of life. (Hopefully). But I feel so boring sometimes. Is this really what adulthood is like? If that's the case, send me back to childhood!