UPDATE!...finallly.

Ok, so I apologize. It's been way too long since I have posted. Probably because I had a baby, and went through some serious growing pains. So, where to begin?
I would like to first say that this post is in no way intended to cause any controversy, hurt anyone's feelings, or start any arguments. This is simply me writing about my perspective and some things I have been mulling over in the last couple of months.
As some of you may know, I have struggled with mental health issues for years, along with co-dependent tendencies. It started with depression, then my brain decided that it wanted me dead and manifested that thought into an eating disorder. From there, my mind thought it would be a good idea to numb my feelings of guilt and shame with alcohol and drugs. As I look back on my journey, a couple things become apparent to me. Ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted to make everyone happy. I literally had no concept of self worth or that my thoughts and feelings were ok and valid, just like everyone else. Since I never had this, I was always assuming that everyone knew more than me and they were probably right, and I was wrong.It took many years of self inflicted pain, endless shame and guilt cycles, for me to realize that no one is me. Therefore, no one but myself and universal energies can tell me who I am or what I should become.
So, I have let go of my guilt and shame. I have examined every belief system in me (preconditioned and otherwise). I am learning to let go of what does not match with my quest to live my life as joyously as possible, and to focus my attention on the things that bring me deep, satisfying joy. Like my kids, music, yoga, nature, art, and meditation. No longer do I rely on others opinions of me to determine who and what I am. How joyous that feels! Finally, I know what it feels like to have a inner core filled with joy, and it is scintillating!
Now, that is not to say I don't have bad days, or that I don't have any struggles. I do. My brain still tries to trick me into thinking I'd be better of dead, or that I am a failure at everything I attempt to do. I still have copious amounts of anxiety that I am still learning how to manage. But- I know that I have the universe on my side, and for that, I am so grateful!