UPDATE!...finallly.

Ok, so I apologize. It's been way too long since I have posted. Probably because I had a baby, and went through some serious growing pains. So, where to begin?
I would like to first say that this post is in no way intended to cause any controversy, hurt anyone's feelings, or start any arguments. This is simply me writing about my perspective and some things I have been mulling over in the last couple of months.
As some of you may know, I have struggled with mental health issues for years, along with co-dependent tendencies. It started with depression, then my brain decided that it wanted me dead and manifested that thought into an eating disorder. From there, my mind thought it would be a good idea to numb my feelings of guilt and shame with alcohol and drugs. As I look back on my journey, a couple things become apparent to me. Ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted to make everyone happy. I literally had no concept of self worth or that my thoughts and feelings were ok and valid, just like everyone else. Since I never had this, I was always assuming that everyone knew more than me and they were probably right, and I was wrong.It took many years of self inflicted pain, endless shame and guilt cycles, for me to realize that no one is me. Therefore, no one but myself and universal energies can tell me who I am or what I should become.
So, I have let go of my guilt and shame. I have examined every belief system in me (preconditioned and otherwise). I am learning to let go of what does not match with my quest to live my life as joyously as possible, and to focus my attention on the things that bring me deep, satisfying joy. Like my kids, music, yoga, nature, art, and meditation. No longer do I rely on others opinions of me to determine who and what I am. How joyous that feels! Finally, I know what it feels like to have a inner core filled with joy, and it is scintillating!
Now, that is not to say I don't have bad days, or that I don't have any struggles. I do. My brain still tries to trick me into thinking I'd be better of dead, or that I am a failure at everything I attempt to do. I still have copious amounts of anxiety that I am still learning how to manage. But- I know that I have the universe on my side, and for that, I am so grateful!

I Just Word Vomitted.

How does one know whether or not they are a talented writer? Does it matter? I feel like I am, so does that make me one? What is it that makes me think I am a talented writer? How do I know that what I have to say (if anything) is of value to anyone else? I struggle with that thought. It seems to me like all that is of importance has already been said; already been lived. We as a people know deep down, what makes the world go round. The philosophers have written all the deep thoughts and musings on the meaning of life. The authors have recorded all the stories of triumph, love, failure, and pain. So where do I fit in? My story is not one that hasn’t been written before. Even my perspective on the things I have overcome is not unique. I am in such a different place than a lot of peers my age are. Past the “life’s a party” and “I’m invincible” phase, but without a degree of any sort to really start any kind of career.

I feel as if I’m in limbo. I have a two and a half year old, and am about to have another baby. I don’t have an outside job. So, technically, I fall into the “stay at home parent” category. But that doesn’t feel right to me, either. Of course, I love being able to watch my daughter grow, and to spend wonderful moments with her. She has helped shape me into who I am today. She’s always good for when I’m feeling down or insecure- I just stop what I’m doing and play with her. Soon enough, those feelings dissipate. But there is something else in me that wants to be heard. So often I feel the calling to sit down and write. And yet, I never trust that what I have to say is worthy or of value, so I pretend I don’t hear that song, calling me to put words onto a page.

Logically, I know what I should do. I should force myself to sit down and write each day, for a set amount of time. Just let the words come forth, regardless if they have any meaning or even make sense. Maybe it’s because I’m scared of what will appear on those pages. Maybe there is a truth that I’m not ready or unwilling to see just waiting to be written. Or, maybe I’m simply wallowing in self-doubt and fear. I want to be successful, who doesn’t? I have the passion for writing (albeit stifled at the moment), and things I want to say, so why haven’t I started pursuing it?

I think about this a lot. Even when I tell myself daily affirmations such as “I am enough” or “My voice is unique”, nothing has yet to emerge. I know I also allow myself to be side tracked by other things in life, like money, physical appearances, kids, relationships with others, etc. It just continues to feel like I am floating through my journey in life, not really invested in any one category, or too afraid to try.

Wow, I had a lot to get out. I kind of word vomited all over you, dear reader. Be gentle with me, ok?

xoxo

Late night musings..

I don't know how to preface this entry, except to say that it is not an attempt for validation of my worth, or fishing for compliments. It is simply a subject that has been on my mind. It is something I don't think is talked about often enough, yet affects a lot of people to varying degrees.

Many people I know (myself included) struggle with some sort of depression. There is a lot of medication, therapy, and help groups for it. Yet what happens when none of those methods are sufficient for the one struggling? Often, death seems like the only answer. I have been lucky enough to have options (therapy, medications, etc,) that help me function in society and find my own version of happiness. But there are those who do not find a better way to live. Even successful people struggle. I think of Robin Williams. One of the best comedians of our time, and yet he reached a place where he could no longer fight off the depression. He seemed to have it all, money, fame, success. His life is a testament that those things do not equal true happiness.

Some consider suicide as a selfish act. I do not. Not that I think suicide is ok, either. I just know that sometimes the darkness seems so deep and dark that one cannot see any other way to make the pain go away. Of course it is sad and tragic.  There are often families left behind to grieve. Yet, that person wasn't trying to hurt them. Rather, they could not see past their own internal pain. And for some one to be hurting so much that death was the only viable option, well, at least they have been released from the chains that bound them to their pain. To clarify: me expressing these views does NOT mean I, myself, am suicidal. These are my personal perspectives on a subject, please do not take it as I am feeling suicidal. I definitely am grateful to be alive and have hope for my future.

Many people from all walks of life have differing views on suicide, and that's ok. I'm just saying that until you have been where that person has been, maybe don't be so quick to judge and assume things about them. We all have secrets, and internal sufferings. Some are so great that it can take all we have just to function through day to day life. For those of you who are struggling, know that you are not alone. Depression is a very isolating disease, but take comfort in that the feelings you are feeling are not yours alone. And they will pass, even if that means they only slightly lessen. It's a start.

Update!

I feel obligated to update you, dear reader. As you may or may not know, I am pregnant with baby #2. We were very excited to receive this news.. until the sickness started in. I was nauseous with Fiona, but that was nothing compared to this. I had a very picky stomach, that pretty much would only hold down freezies. I was also taken off all medications, except for my prenatal. I was nervous about doing so, but of course wanted what is best for the baby. On top of all that I got prenatal carpel tunnel, which apparently is a thing?

So, fast forward to today. Luckily, the nausea has pretty much gone away (4 weeks later). The carpel tunnel comes and goes. I am still trying to recover from being so sick, though. It really did a number on my mental state. Old fears and thoughts started making my mind home again. Old eating disorder rituals have started popping up in my daily life. I feel like I am in limbo. I know logically, that I need to eat to keep the baby nourished. I know, logically, that I have to take care of myself for the baby. I know all of these things. That doesn't make daily living any easier.

I have been honest with my husband and my family. I have started looking into a couple of different options. It's frustrating, though, to finally muster up the courage to admit that I need help, yet be rejected, more than once. I don't think asking for help is easy for anyone, let alone some one whose disease is an inwardly isolating one. The thing that hurts the most, I think, is being rejected by people who are close. Who know my struggles, and still choose to paste a smile on their face and pretend everything is going to be okay. When is it too late to help some one in need? Is it when looking down at a cold, lifeless body? Because that is the reality of depression, and ED. These are dark thoughts, I know, but it's my reality, something I face everyday. I can't stand when people say "I would have never guessed", or "I wish I could have done more". Those are words of denial. You only see what you want to see. When was the last time you actually took the time to truly listen to some one's troubles, and then helped them brainstorm solutions? When was the last time you did a random act of kindness? Words are just words, but action is love.

Vulnerability at its finest...

I am broadening my horizon.. and it is scary! A while back I reached out (randomly) to a gal who writes an awesome blog, and I shared my idea of a way (if willing) she could help in getting my blog out there to more readers. She thought it was a wonderful idea, and we began collaborating. I would like to say that it's "all in a day's work" or "no big deal", but being this open and vulnerable is still new and a little uncomfortable to me. I'm not good at stepping outside my box of safety when it comes to making positives changes in my life. I have to continually redirect my thinking, and check my actions often.

That being said, I am so excited to be doing something positive not only for myself, but hopefully others too! It is so important that we take time to appreciate who we are and all that our body does for us, with out us even thinking about it! I am grateful that my body has this continuous breathing idea under control, or I'd be in big trouble! So, if you have not already, post a picture of you, in some kind of outfit that makes you feel wonderful, smashing, and/or sexy to instagram with #jandmloveyourself to be part of this awesomeness! Because we are all beyoutiful!

Shout out to all the mothers out there- You the real MVP!

Even though Mother's Day has past, I think it is important to celebrate these wonderful women in our lives today, and every day. They truly are the real MVP's! This is a poem I wrote to my mom. She is the most courageous, beautiful, and loving woman I know. For even though she has nine children and 18 grandchildren, she loves us all with abundance.

A Mother’s Touch

Knowing that my mom is near,

Or only a phone call away,

Lifts the weight off my shoulders,

And releases the worst of my fear.

A mother’s touch is like no other,

It cannot be compared.

But it passes through each generation.

From mother, to mother, to mother.

Some search very far and wide,

To find this long lost gem.

And once found, breathe a sigh of relief.

Eternal love now stands together through life’s tide.

Claire Eckel, 2015

Life is about feeling wonderful!

Ahhh... Summer is just around the corner, I can smell it! I am loving life. I got an awesome job opportunity, so I am anxiously waiting to hear back from the company! I am a little sad to be putting my daughter back in daycare, but honestly, she absolutely LOVES it. Life is flowing smoothly, and it feels wonderful. New and exciting opportunities pop up, like the one that popped up a couple weeks ago.
I am going to be guest blogging on one of my favorite blogs, jackieandmarilynblog.wordpress.com. We are going to do a week of "self love". I am going to share my story, and then they are going to post pictures of outfits that make them feel fabulous, wonderful about themselves (the blog is about fashion)! Then, to wrap up the week, I am going to post a picture of me in my most darling outfit that I like to rock. I am inviting all of you, my dearest readers, to join in on the fun! During the week of May 18-22, post a picture of you in something that makes you appreciate YOU for who you are. It can be anything, painting smock, yoga pants, little black dress, whatever it is that you feel wonderful. I will post the hashtags later on as I know more. Can't wait to see all you lovelies in your glory! Shine on, sweet thing, shine on.